| |
WHICH PART OF ‘ILLEGAL’
DOESN’T THE GOVERNOR UNDERSTAND?
State of California 2003
California Gov. Gray Davis
signed legislation allowing illegal immigrants the right to obtain a California driver license. The bill is
signed just before the floundering governor faces the music to the tune of a recall vote to boot-kick him out
of office.
HARD RAIN
Somewhere in China 2002
The South China Morning Post reported that Chinese soldiers have
been ordered to fire their weapons on rain clouds in hopes of ending one of the worst droughts ever. Sure enough,
soon there were drops falling from the sky
metal ones.
FINED FOR FLATULENCE
Bilabo, Spain 2001
A 16-year old was fined the equivalnt of $140 for allegedly farting on a police officer. The teen’s mother admitted the boy
farted frequently, but never deliberately.
AND HIS NAME SHALL BE PRINCE
Minneapolis, MN 2000
The Artist Formerly Known As Prince announced that he shall be, now and forever, known again as “Prince.” Forget trying to figure
out the symbol or the mystery of it’s meaning. It’s a new world again for the creative one.
THE NAKED LUNCH
U. of Kansas 1999
When patrons at Perkins Restaurant in Lawrence, Kans. asked for dessert late one night, they
certainly got more than they bargained for. Jaws dropped as two KU students and a local high school student
entered the restaurant, sans clothing, and proceeded to distribute candy corn to all of the tables. But don’t
worry, these naked trickster did have some semblence of modesty they were wearing veils.
NO STRINGS ATTACHED
Augusta State U., Ga. 1998
Go with the flow. Sounds likes great advice when you’re having a bad day. But for
James Rosen, an art professor at Augusta State U., it’s more than advice. It’s inspiration for art literally.
Students and staff at the Georgia school got their panties in a bunch when two of Rosen’s pieces (titled Successful
Showing and Period Piece) were unveiled at a faculty art exhibit. It seems his, um, creative display of sanitary
napkins and tampons three rows of pads, each with a single red dot and a couple of tampons thrown in for good
measure had them seeing red. But despite the complaints, Augusta State’s aptly named president, William A.
Bloodsworth Jr., said he would not consider removing the artwork. End of discussion. That’s it. Period.
VIRGIN VAULT OF CASH
U. of Arizona 1997
Can’t we all just get it on? Not if 90-year-old Sally Keith has her way. Keith,
an Arizona alumna, is giving the university $250,000 for scholarships but she wants them to go only to women
who are virgins. The university is understandably iffy about Keith’s requirements. Frank Felix, director of
scholarship development, says he opposes the sex stipulation because it’s not the university’s place to dictate
morals. But Keith is determined. She says, “If I could find one girl ... and influence her to look ahead ...
rather than get involved in a pregnancy, that would be something wonderful.” But even if the university agrees
to her conditions, one important question remains: How exactly would they determine if the student is a virgin?
TIRED EXCUSES
Columbia U. 1996
Urban myth or true story? You decide. Three students at Columbia fail to show up for a final exam. When they do finally surface, they tell their
professor that they had a flat tire on the way and couldn’t repair it in time. The professor agrees to let them take a revised version of the
final a one-question test. The students spend the next week poring over notes, studying their little hearts out. They arrive fully prepared for the
final and discover the one question they weren’t expecting: "Which tire?" All of them failed. |
|
PENIS ENVY
Harvard U. 1995
Is that a cucumber in your pocket, or are you just happy to be at the Take Back the Penis Rally? Author Rich Zubaty was excited to see a large turnout
at his pee-pee power rally in Harvard Square, where he and fellow members of Mentor, a national men’s organization that advocates masculinity,
handed out cucumbers to celebrate the aforementioned organ. Zubaty swears the anti-male propaganda rally started out as a spoof, but we think it’s
a mighty strange coinky-dink that that he was simultaneously promoting his penetrating new book on the frauds of feminism. Wonder if he was up for a
battle with feminists?
PSYCHO THERAPY
Humbolt State U. 1994
Budget cuts mean no thrifty idea is too crazy at Humboldt State U.’s Counseling and Psychological Services center. Facing a shrinking staff,
they’ve offered students an alternative to one-on-one therapy a vacant office. They call it a relaxation room, and although you won’t
find any professional help there, it does include audio tapes, books, pamphlets, a bed and a recliner. Few students have visited the room, but, says
Wellness Center Coordinator Helene Barney,"We’re working on expanding the tape selection.”
SEX, VAULTS & VIDEOTAPE
U. of Minnesota 1993
Coaches are supposed to give their athletes pointers, but we don’t think this is what they had in mind. A husband and wife gymnastics coaching
team at the U. of Minnesota inadvertently spliced 20 minutes of their bedroom “acrobatics” into a reel of footage from a recent meet.
The coaching couple gave the tape to gymnasts so they could study the Gopher “gymnastics” performances. And they did. All of them.
School officials fired the couple, but scored them a perfect “10.”
MEAT HEAD
U. of Illinois, Chicago 1992
UI art student Rudy Vargas has a real beef with the campus police. It all started after he spent three days sculpting 17 pounds of roast beef to look
like a human head. Sound weird? Just wait it gets weirder. As if the head itself wasn’t enough, he displayed it on a plate of lettuce and
grapes as part of an art exhibit. The trouble came when he allegedly told some students that the sculpture was actually a stolen human head. Campus
cops got suspicious and launched an investigation. The caper was eventually uncovered, but not before giving Vargas a real headache.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Clark U., Mass. 1991
Cafeteria food sucks. It’s always sucked and it will continue to suck for all time. But at Clark U., if your chunk of meatloaf surprise bites,
you don’t have to eat it. That’s because officials are serving up a money-back guarantee on residence hall meals in an effort to dispel
the notion that all college food is bad. It’ll be a tough sell, but hey at least its an idea you can sink your teeth into.
SPECIAL DELIVERY
U. of Delaware 1988
“...yes, that’s right, we’ll have it there in 30 minutes or less.” No, we’re not talking pizza. Prophylactics
is more like it. Students and administrators alike gave Resident Student Association president Mike Cradler a good ribbing when he revealed his
proposal for a 24-hour condom delivery service. It seems the higher-ups think there are other ways to practice safe sex that don’t involve a
school-sponsored hotline that takes condom orders at all hours of the day or night and delivers the goods within half an hour. The proposal was
eventually shot down, but we have a bit of advice for Cradler: Transfer to the U. of Southern California. Their mascot? The Trojan. |
|
