Students aren't the only pranksters at Harvard. Apparently, physics profs join in the fun now and again. Case in point: John Doyle, an associate professor of the Natural Sciences, who thought it would be a real hoot to pretend he had a colleague named "Ulf Fireloins." Through Doyle's debauchery, the fictitious Fireloins managed to operate a Web page, was quoted in the Harvard Crimson, and sneaked his way into a draft of the university's teacher evaluations guide before one of the guide's editors caught on that Fireloins was a fake.
Study Hard, Party Harder
Virginia Tech U.
Hope next year they'll come up with a better solution to students' drinking problems. Or at least not follow the example of Virginia Tech president Paul Torgersen. When he discovered students were (gasp!) drinking alcohol, he immediately took action. Torgersen circulated a memo to all faculty providing guidelines. The solution? Assign homework over the weekend. Sounds a little dry to us.
No Moon Over Miami
Miami U. of Ohio
What do you think of when you hear "Miami" and "thong" in the same sentence your dream vacation? Might change after you hear this one. At Miami U. of Ohio, a music professor is suing the university because it won't let him swim in the campus pool anymore. School officials say professor G. Roger Davis' choice of swimwear, a not-so subtle thong bikini, violates the pool's dress code. The prof says the university is violating his constiutional rights. We can only hope the case doesn't set a precedent for classroom attire if Davis wins.
U. of Illinois
He's every librarian's worst nightmare. Over the course of two years, UI student Sean Harte managed to accumulate 174 overdue library books, valued at $10,000. That was before he was arrested, spent 43 days in the slammer for missing his first court date and eventually pleaded guilty to charges of misdemeanor theft. Part of his plea forbids Hart from returning to campus. Consider this an APB to all public librarians.
Choice of a U. Generation
Central Michigan U.
What could be more refreshing than a dip in the water and a nice, cold Pepsi? Well, if you were a student at Central Michigan U. last fall, you could've enjoy the best of both worlds, thanks to a campus prankster. After a parked Pepsi semi-truck rolled headfirst into a campus pond, the driver suspected foul play. He says someone pulled the air brakes when he was inside the student activity center making a delivery. At least he didn't catch the wave when the truck went under.
U. of Alabama
Campus bars might want to start serving up the Geritol alongside their Bud Light. U. of Alabama recently became one of many universities sponsoring retirement communities near campus. The idea is that older alumni can come back and enjoy the cultural and sporting events, as well as university facilities. Wonder how long it'll be until we see John Tesh and Yanni touring the campus circuit?
At most campuses, if you attend a particularly heated student association meeting you can normally expect tempers to flare and angry words to fly. But you rarely need to watch for flying staplers. Which is why off-campus senator Matthew Muterspaugh was taken aback when he was struck in the ear with a stapler after appointing a colleague to a new position. The stapler flinger was hastily removed from the meeting. Apparently, flying staplers are not considered constructive criticism.
Bitter Bus Driver
U. of Michigan
Bus drivers have probably been accused of a lot of things driving too slowly, missing stops, splashing pedestrians with puddles. But one driver at Michigan is just plain mean, according to eight members of an intramural hockey team. They say she refused to pick them up one night out of sheer ill nature. The bus driver claims she feared for her life when she saw a pack of anxious, hockey stick-toting ruffians. Either way, the wheels on that bus went round and round, sans passengers, and the students had to hoof it back to their dorm.
Set Your Monkey Free
Students aren't the only ones monkeying around at Tulane. Two dozen mischievous chimps broke out of the school's Regional Primate Center. But their taste of freedom was short-lived. Within three days, workers recaptured the primates and returned them to their covered outdoor corral. Do you think they spanked those naughty monkeys?
Old Fogie Football
Fresno City College
Looks like 40-year-old Fresno City College student, Jeff Young, is taking a hint from Scott Bakula in Necessary Roughness. He tried out for the football team and made it. As the team's punter, he's one of the oldest college football players in history. Now he just needs Sinbad and Kathy Ireland to join him, and he can make his own movie.
U. of Montana
After 10 years of negotiations, a hostage has been returned. But this isn't your average hostage. It's a 1,000-pound brass bell that was smuggled back and forth between UM's Sigma Chi and Lamda Chi fraternaties for decades until 1978, when it disappeared from campus. Ten years ago, the Alumni Association director began negotiating with the hijackers for the bell's return. It seems like kind of a big to-do for a bell, but names have been witheld to protect the ding-dongs who stole it.
Stick 'em Up!
U. of California, Santa Cruz
We agree that you should put education first, but come on, guys! After UC Santa Cruz freshman Emma Freeman decided she didn't want to be forced to get a job that would interfere with school, she allegedly teamed up with her boyfriend and his roommate for two armed robberies. The trio was accused of robbing a hair salon and a Costco warehouse in a span of five days, but had less than $100, a boom box and a portable radio to show for their efforts. What's really unfortunate is the attire Freeman is said to have worn during the heist a Spice Girls T-shirt.
At this year's "Snow Job" jam, 15 to 20 students dressed as Benedictine monks interrupted a singing performance with Gregorian chants and marching. The ushers of the event didn't take too kindly to the gag, a scuffle ensued and a speaker fell on one of the good friar's heads. Accepting defeat, the monks retreated and the show went on. There's never a dull moment with those crazy Ivy League kids!
Theology 101: Man-Hating
Feminists typically preach against sexual discrimination, not practice it. Exception to the rule: Mary Daly, theology professor at BC. Daly, a radical feminist who thinks women tend to defer to a man whenever one is in the room, will not allow men to take her courses. BC officials say they will not tolerate Daly's rules and have given her the choice to admit men or stop teaching. Daly took a leave of absence this semester to think it over, but we hear she's already signed up with Sarah McLachlan and gang to perform in this summer's Lilith Fair.
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