Send In The Clones (Feb 99)
Texas A&M U.
It's common knowledge that dogs are man's best friend. In fact, throughout the centuries, people have gone to extremes to ensure the comfort and longevity of their pets. But a couple from Dallas has gone completely over the top. They have donated $2.3 million to Texas A&M to clone their beloved pooch, Missy. The Missyplicity Project is currently underway after urging from the couple, who told the scientists in a letter, "I howled at her, and she raised her nose and howled at the roof. I barked at her and she barked right back. I whined, she whined." We are afraid. We are very afraid.
The Marching Marauders
Southern U. vs. Prarie View A&M U.
He was on the 50-yard line. Suddenly, a hulking figure came hurtling towards him. He braced himself for the impact of ... the tuba? No, this is not a story of a football game gone awry. Not exactly, anyway. During a football game between Southern U. and Prairie View A&M, the half-time show erupted into a brawl between the schools' marching bands. And the fight got pretty ugly. In fact, several of the participants pelted each other with weapons like drum sticks and trombones. Guess that's what they mean by battle of the bands.
Talk Dirty To Me
U. of Michigan, Flint
Sure sex sells, but does it sell schools? The U. of Michigan tried (although inadvertently) and survey says: no. In a slip-up of Freudian proportions, the school's admissions office sent out 25,000 letters to prospective frosh with a misprinted toll-free number. Yep, Michigan goofed and printed a sex-talk hotline instead. So when unknowing high school seniors tried to call the university, they were greeted with heavy breathing and dirty talking. We bet the number of applications went way up.
U. of Alabama
Tongue wrestling: It's not just a recreational sport anymore, it's educational. Four lucky Alabama student couples got up close and personal to demonstrate some smooches as part of a lecture on the art of kissing. Lip-locking techniques shown ranged from conventional to bizarre, like the "spanking kiss" and the "violent Trobriand Island kiss." Sounds like they're taking the term "tongue wrestling" a little too seriously.
Poop On You!
U. of Arizona
Though we rag on them quite a bit, we must admit school administrators have a tough job. But at Arizona, being an administrator is really for the birds. They have been sturggling with a very pressing issue: pigeon poop. They've tried decoys, they've tried cages, they've even tried drugging them, but the pigeons keep on going ... and going ... and going poop on everyone's head. We say give 'em a taste of their own medicine throw it back.
It's tough to sleep in a wet bed, especially when you're not the one who doused it in the first place. Hopefully Princeton freshman Abigail Bagley-Young is sleeping a little more snugly since the university has given her humble little abode a complete disinfection. Bagley's dorm room ceiling caved in earlier this school year, dumping raw sewage all over her bed. Four days after Bagley-Young caused a big stink over the situation, the university got around to the clean-up.
Blow Me! (fall 98)
Western Illinois U.
They're good enough for cops, referees and your high school gym teacher students at Western Illinois hope they'll be good enough to take a bite out of crime. This year, the student government distributed "safety whistles" to students in the dorms and off-campus areas. The idea is simple instead of the perverts whistling at you, you whistle at the perverts when you're in a sticky situation. We can only hope they implement them for White House interns, too.
U. of Kentucky
Move over, Coke and Pepsi, here's a new kind of brand-name war for the '90s. And this one has a lot more beef to it. By winning the student vote, Papa John's Pizza forged a partnership with the college's food service that will allow students to use their dining accounts to pay for their pizza. But the losers of this cheesy battle are burning up over the injustice of it all. Both Domino's Pizza and Mad Mushroom Pizza filed a formal grievance against the college. They're really bummed about losing all that dough.
Ice, Ice Baby
U. of Minnesota
Gone are the days of the innocent pranks, like short-sheeting beds and putting plastic wrap on top of toilets. Kids today are going high-tech with their hijinks. Courtesy of a U. of Minnesota prankster, the floors of Pioneer Hall were filled with the smoke from more than 200 pounds of dry ice. Not only did the student fill bathtubs with the fog-inducing substance, but he rigged up fans to blow the smoke under the doors of the classrooms. Wonder if the elusive ice man has been added to the U. of Minnesota's most-wanted list.
Free Gertie (fall 98)
U. of Minnesota
Big news: a local resident named Gertie was kidnapped. The perps snuck into her home in the middle of the night and rolled her massive 500-pound body right out the door. Yep, Gertie the Gopher, a 29-foot icon for the Gopher Campus Motor Lodge was whisked away in the night right out from under the noses of the hotel's management. A few days later, a student reporter from WCCO-TV returned the missing lady to her home for the unnamed thieves. No suspects came forward, but we think Bill Murray might be behind the abduction.
There's nothing harmful about ass-kissing. At least that's what the Virginia Supreme Court says. The court upheld the dismissal of a lawsuit by a Virginia Tech administrator who charged that the student newspaper had defamed her by identifying her as the "Director of Butt Licking." The reason? The Collegiate Times had not defamed Sharon Yeagle, assistant to the university's vice president for student affairs, because the phrase could not be construed as being factual information about her job and had not harmed her reputation. Sure enough, when we checked the Virginia Tech directory, we found no entries under "Butt Licking." Nothing under "tookus" or "rump," either.
Beaver Fever (back to u. 98)
Oregon State U.
Nothing gets a crowd going like a good beaver shot. OSU knows that better than anyone, thanks to a brewing beaver controversy. Their smiling mascot Benny Beaver has been the hallmark of university pride and spirit since the 1950's. But somebody rubbed the beaver the wrong way, and now he's pissed. Sick of Benny's "leave it to Beav" image, OSU officials transformed the buck-toothed critter into bad-ass beaver by giving him a tougher, more intimidating look. Some students aren't so sure they like the mascot's new testosterone-charged image, but administrators don't give a dam. Our advice? Lighten up be happy with whatever beaver you get.
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